Beyond boundaries.

Monday, October 1, 2012

Dear you.

Its because you don't understand my situation.

You may know, but you don't feel it.

Don't say it's the same as yours! It's not..

Your parents are totally fine with it, and comparing it with my mom?

She'd transfer me away just like she did the last time.

It's different, my mom would do anything to make sure I keep my head in the books.

You don't know my mom as well as I do.

You said that my relationship is luxurious because he puts so much effort and I'm not going through any pain.

Have you thought of it?

Have you thought that during the time he was chasing you, how much effort he put in and you went through no pain?

It's the same thing!

The pain you're going through now is because you guys have been together for almost a year now!

If you're not going through ups and downs then I don't know what kind of superhero relationship you're going through..

It's because we're not together. Don't you see it?

Compare apple with apple. Be a little fair to me.

I do go through pain.

Comparing apple with apple, I go through alot more pain than you.

All you had to hesitate and worry about was wether he is serious about you and wether you really wanted to be with him.

Whereas for me, I have to worry about if he is serious, if I really want this, if I can really handle this again, if my mom will find out, if I can afford to take the risk.

The risk of losing you.

The risk of losing all my friends again, the risk of losing someone I'm in a relationship with again, the risk of going to a new school again, the risk of being in a war with my family again, with my mom, the risk of getting heartbroken again, crying myself to sleep everynight.

Do you think I don't go through pain?

It's not that simple,

Being in a relationship has turned into a fobia to me.

I cannot afford to lose myself twice.
I can't. Not the second time. For my family, I can't.
Maybe handling it again isnt a big deal, since I've done it once.
But I can't see my family go through this with me again.
I can't afford to handle seeing them being pulled into this quick sand with me.
The worry and the sadness behind those angry mask they wear each day.
The way we fought like hungry lions over a meal.
I've swear I'll never go through that again.
No pain you say?
Knowing you like a person so much but stand no chance with being with him.
No pain you say?

Try putting yourself in my shoe.

You know what? Don't try.

You may not even survive the first bit of it.

........

...sigh, I'm sorry.

Sorry for saying all these mean things.
Sorry for my anger, my rage, but it's what I really felt.

I just had I let it out.

I'm afraid keeping too much, including stress from exam, may lead me to breaking down.

And that's the last thing I need now.
You know it too.
Sorry.
Hope you try to understand my feelings too kay?

So it ends here.

Last post until exams are over. :)

I'll have to put all my personal feelings and emotions aside for finals.

No matter how hurtful it is, I don't want to think or talk about it anymore.

Better focus on my studies before my mom confiscates everything.

Then my life would officially be over.