Hey guys this is gonna be an emo post, just fyi.
I treat my blog like a diary... that pretty bad... right? :/

Just came back from Camp Sukan. Got f-ed up by my mom. Well that's normal, I get f-ed up everytime I join an event. There's always some shit she will scold me for. People may think I live a good life. Got expensive clothes and bags, have everything I want. But truthfully, I'd exchange everything I have for what you have.

Anyways, back to my camp topic.
Truthfully, overall camp was really really fun. It's just that there are so many disappointing moments and thoughts that stole my soul away. It's really simple for me to hold my tears, it's weather you can see through my mask of smiles or not.

Firstly, my performance was horrible. Bad at everything we did, injured my self too. My body is filled with bruises, hand muscle, leg muscle and neck aches. Even my hands are shaking each time i use a little strength. Weak? maybe. I'm not a sportsman, I'm not good at any sports, not even running, so sometimes I excuse myself for it. But this time, its like so darn disappointing, in a way... so left out. Because everyone is good or at least okay at it, and I suck like hell. Embarrassed? maybe.

Secondly, him.
"Don't be afraid to accept someone new in your life celine" N said.
I'm not sure if I really want this. I know I often find myself thinking of him but is it just the reverse psychology thing or is it really me? Even if I really like him. Can I afford to handle this again? Look what happened the last time? How am I suppose to fall in love when I'm afraid to fall? Sometimes he talks to me, othertimes he don't. Sometimes I find him staring at me, othertimes he's not even there. Sometimes I even question myself "Does he really like me from the bottom of his heart or is he playing games?" What the hell is this? or should I say, why the hell on earth do I even notice this kind of things?! I dont know whats going on these days.. I'm so so lost. Lost in myself. I can't seem to find who am I, I often dont know what i'm doing. Everytime I see him, only 2 things pops out.
"DUMB ASS" or "Do I really want to be with you?"

People cry not because they're weak, it's because they've been strong for too long.

I know nomatter how much time I can buy myself, it has to come to an end where I make a decision. But I have no answer to that simple question. and I dont know when will I ever have an answer to it.

It's quite selfish of myself to only think about me, I and myself. So selfish that I only realised it today, he has to go through so much more since almost the whole world knows he likes me, and not even a sign of complain.

There are so many thing I want to say, but I guess its not appropriate to share it here. Even these are quiet confidential. But I know these are words that can never come out from my mouth and I know my best friends often read my blog, so this is the only way I can tell you guys. I would be really glad if you read it, understand it, keep it, or forget it. As long as you never bring it up infront of me cause I cant handle it myself.

loves xx